Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
