I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
