If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
