I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
