guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
