oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
