I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
