she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize