you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
