Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize