Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
