ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
