how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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