i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize