guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
