Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
