does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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