Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
