he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
be right there i have to get my cape
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
