I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
