Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
