Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
