whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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