I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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