Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
