i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
