i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
