I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ugly people sure do ruin things
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
