i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
