the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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