Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
