Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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