When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
