New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
