I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
