I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
