We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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