You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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