Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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