the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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