when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
