does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
