Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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