we have pet lesbian snakes
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
