He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
