never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
