I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
