I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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