Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
