drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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