ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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