I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
