Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize