The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
