there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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