hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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