For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
