After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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