if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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