if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
